Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
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My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
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