Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
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ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Yes, this is exactly right
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.