Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
You Might Also Like
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.