Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
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abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
for all #parents out there