Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
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Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Auto correct is my worst enema.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”