If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
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It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume