@NickSwardson: Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It's basically everywhere now.
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@kumailn: "Count down to zero silently with your fingers and then do a fist pump." - SWAT manual on breaking down doors
@Home_Halfway: DATE'S FATHER: What business do you have with my daughter ME: Oh this isn't a work thing, we're gonna watch a movie and smooch all night
@drxubair: I dream to live in a world where I can politely get out of plans by saying, "I'm so sorry, but I just remembered I don't want to"
@cajones113: Customer: I can't see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar? Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber C: That's not very healthy... Just the smokes then.