@bromanconsul: congrats to those who made it onto my "Not A Lizard" spreadsheet in 2015. to the rest of u, better luck next year and/or die reptilian scum.
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@aaronnemo: If I was ever on Jeopardy I would call Trebek the wrong name like I'd never heard of him. "I'll take Beauty Pageants for 400, Jason."
@ericsshadow: [my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad] "Here $60. It's all I have. Call if you need more."
@petfurniture: "why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?" because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly