@bromanconsul: congrats to those who made it onto my "Not A Lizard" spreadsheet in 2015. to the rest of u, better luck next year and/or die reptilian scum.
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@WilliamAder: Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn't leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
@QwertyJones3: [during sex] ME: I'm Italian, how about you? HER: Finnish ME: Ok sure just give me a second
@MikeCanRant: A good way to break up with a girl gently is to curtsy when youre meeting her father instead of shaking his hand.
@jake_lach: Apparently, if she's refused to speak to you for two days your text should not be 'Why are you mad again?'