The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
You Might Also Like
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
He just like my cat fr
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
what kind of cook setting is this??
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life