Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
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How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
I think this cat is broken
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Penguins walking in 5x speed