@DamienFahey: Congratulations, Americans who write "Cheers" at the end of e-mails. You've found something even more pretentious than "Sent from my iPhone"
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@Parkerlawyer: Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn't even know this rage inside me existed.
@TheToddWilliams: [creation] GOD: Alright guys, please read the sex manuals I've provided RABBIT: Oh hell yeah STUD HORSE: Ah nice PRAYING MANTIS: What the f–
@DamienFahey: When Chipotle says, "Guacamole is $1.50 extra, is that ok?" I pause, then say, "Hang on, let me call my financial advisor."
@scottthetwat: Drug sniffing dogs are wrong 80 percent of the time. You would be too if you were sniffing drugs all day.