@annaetuck: Congratulations, everyone who saw me and my kids at the mall today. That's the cheapest birth control you will ever have.
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@jonnysun: sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
@CharismaFueled: Apparently, changing your profile to "Flirty, dirty and a little squirty" gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
@bobvulfov: (getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we're making some people soup huh gang
@Hebafouad21: In our wedding, I'll invite his ex and be like "Still believe you can get him back?"