@annaetuck: Congratulations, everyone who saw me and my kids at the mall today. That's the cheapest birth control you will ever have.
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@daemonic3: ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins? KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins! ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
@AnOrangeSNES: [Dr's office] "I have Carrie like reflexes" Don't you mean cat-like reflexes? *Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire* No
@ShutUpThatsWho: [CPR dummy coming home from work] WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh? DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
@just_evolved: When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.