@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
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I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Worth remembering.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.