a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
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People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
The best shot in the history of golf
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?