@Sarcasticsapien: Congratulations, "journalists" who tell celebrity gossip for a living. I didn't know you could get a degree in teenage girl.
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@DanMentos: [first date] *pointing indiscriminately* "uh-oh looks like we're on the Kiss Cam" there's no- *leans in* there's no Kiss Cam at Applebees
@SgtButtCheeks: My 4yo son just asked what squirrels eat. I answered nuts. We laughed so hard, hugged, and gave each other a high 5. My boy.
@jakob_huber: "I hate hashtags!" Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
@Sean_Burgundy_: Her: You need to text faster Me: Not sure what you just sent. I'm still working on the texts from 3 weeks ago