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My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
how to have an accident 101
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Check out the legs on this baby
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
These are too funny not to post 😂
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together