Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
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gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try