Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
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Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes