Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
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[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”