Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
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Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..