I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
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are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
A new level of troll.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)