“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
You Might Also Like
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.