@Tmoney68: "Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!" - Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
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@Book_Krazy: Me: Bless me father for I have sinned... Priest texting me back: I already told you, I'm not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
@envydatropic: Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We're going to need somewhere to go after this next election
@ZombieProblms: I bumped into a cute guy today. I clawed his face off. I should work on my people skills.
@fro_vo: [cemetery] *priest says a final prayer* *harambe's casket is lowered into the ground* *toddler falls in*