I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
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We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.