@briangaar: "Congratulations, the baby's got green overalls!" Peach sobs. Mario flies into a rage.
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@SatansTongue: *Vladimir Putin dining* I want Russian fries "They're French fries" Not for long *crosses Ukraine out on agenda & lists France* Not for long
@GrantTanaka: wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they'll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we're sleeping in shifts from now on
@david8hughes: [sees old friend after 4 years] "God, you were so fat back in school." "Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year." "No you didn't."
@noneofyours99: I showed my family facebook a few years ago, and haven't heard from them since. Best decision ever