You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
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If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend