Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
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Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please