My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
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someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
(Gaming support cat.)
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Woke up with morning Yule Log
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem