*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
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when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Somebody’s lying.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.