A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
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[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.