[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
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Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas