Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
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Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.