Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
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Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
stand with me against insufficient seating
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.