@AaronFullerton: Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
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@chelliet22: I start conversations with my children by saying "Listen to me," to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
@CooIStepDad: [running from cop] *cop catches me* "Get on the ground or I'll taze ya" *pulls jellyfish from pocket* "Look they were all out of tazers"
@SortaBad: "Click to read this man's secret to incredible 6 pack abs!" *click* article: hard work, diet, & exercise me: I have never felt more betrayed