Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
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Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.