Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
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When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
It was worth a shot 😂
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?