[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
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It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
B
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Finally, an explanation.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
“You drive, I’m tired.”