Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
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[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.