Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
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Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag