Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
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SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea