[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
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[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”