The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
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When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.