*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
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I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.