A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
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Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Matt Goss
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.