[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
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[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Hot hot hot 🥵