[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
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nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
I love wikipedia
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*