@murrman5: [consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
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@hpb777: Sometimes I wonder how people who don't have kids get their TV remotes from the other side of the room.
@livingnBoston: I remember a time when I was much younger and had an infinite supply of drugs and booze. Then some c**ksucker cut the umbilical cord.
@PresidentGrimes: I promise to find a new girlfriend right away when my old girlfriend gets eaten by walkers. America needs a first lady.
@jewfacekilla: MTVs Teen Mom has been cancelled. At least one person on that network knows when to pull out.