@murrman5: [consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
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@MicheleAKALips: When life hands you 3 kids..... You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
@RealSugarFree: I play a drinking game where i drink everytime i get an answer right on Jeopardy. Its a good way to stay sober.
@UberFacts: Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
@AndrewNadeau0: ME: Onions make me cry. HER: It's from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide. ME: I think it's probably cuz an onion killed my parents.