[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
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Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos