Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
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Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
oh good, now I can stop drinking
reviewed some movies recently
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”