@TheBoydP: Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
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@cbdoubleu: Well, I've got to hand it to you. -Guy explaining how the baton works in a relay race.
@ShortSleeveSuit: [death row sitcom] Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw! Warden [flicks switch]: That's about to change Sign: *APPLAUSE*
@GrantTanaka: *sees burglar *throws flashlight at him *misses *throws another *misses *throws another *misses *throws another Burglar: WTF Me: COSTCO
@JessObsess: Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.