Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
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We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.