construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
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#NoRestForTheWicked
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Aaaa…CHOO!
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.