Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
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Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
good work, detective
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”