Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
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dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Does beer think about me too?
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.