@johntabin: Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
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@Jay16282: The self-checkout line was invented by a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
@thepunningman: Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
@lucidchemistry: [in bed] her: u have done this before, right? me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once her: what? me: what?
@animaldrumss: Publisher: Mike we can't accept your children's book. It's far too stupid for even the stupidest child. me: It was supposed to be for adults