Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
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If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
My biological clock is wheezing.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
bugs when you lift up a rock
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though