Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
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When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
My dating profile:
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me