@NicCageMatch: Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier's counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
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@kevinseccia: I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
@mjkspeaks: [meeting with boss] "I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday." "I DON'T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!"
@SamuelHLowe: I bought some super sensitive condoms a few months ago and they won't stop crying because I don't use them.
@MyNameIsPappyG: Me: waiter, do you have frog legs? Waiter: of course monsieur Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer