@NicCageMatch: Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier's counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
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@CharismaFueled: Apparently, changing your profile to "Flirty, dirty and a little squirty" gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
@amselts: Instead of expecting your wife to make you dinner every night like it's 1950, man up and develop a cocaine habit so you don't need to eat.
@PetePsquared: Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid "Next time call when you say you will"
@skullpuppy11: Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.